Isola Nocturnum

Eff.

2006-07-18T08:25:29Z

Short entry because I am just exhausted.

Was my birthday today. Those of you who know me will understand this comment:

Tradition still stands true about this particular day. This time was no exception.

By popular demand...

2006-07-07T21:46:28Z

This is my kitten, Abbi. Or 'Nubcakes' as she's often called. Enjoy.

I am Mary Sue. I am a villain.

2006-06-14T05:58:31Z

Another bit of circular logic that struck me a bit harshly these past few days. Once again, I've found yet another way to screw up logical thinking, and keep myself in the dark.

What makes an evil person evil?

Is it the set rules of society? Anyone who wishes to be far from the mainstream, or hey, even they cannot choose to be mainstream. They simply desire the things that are not desirable.

Is it the morals and virtues of a religion? But there are so many religions...anyone who doesn't agree with your idea of religion is labled evil.

Is it the teachings of our family? Even our family members, those we will always love(but doesn't mean we have to like!) can be the biggest 'evil' in our life.

I am evil.

My family believes me to be a paganist and a satan worshipper because I do not agree with the actions and beliefs that they do. They do not realize that I do, in fact, believe in God and Jesus, the Trinity, and how He created the world, et cetera et cetera. If somebody asks me what I believe in, I will tell them. But I will not force them to believe what I do.

But, in that sense, I am evil because of that. I am evil in the eyes of another.

I often become the butt of alot of family jokes. I am very disgusted by their bigotry and hypocrisy to the point where even my patience runs thin, and I snap at the first person who crosses me.

However, is it just that I've become so deeply seeded in my own little world, in my own interests, in my own selfishness, that I just lost sight of what's right? Am I truely the evil person who is in the wrong?

It's so easy to yell out a reverberating "NO!" as a kneejerk reaction, but there is that tiny little margain of error. That tiny little voice that says, "Yes, you are." That little bit of doubt that grows from a tiny seed into a devouring, carnivorous monster that chews you up and spits you out, leaving you coated in the slime of sins...open, festering wounds...

I'm wrong often. I think of myself as so intelligent, so logical, and often I fear that I have become the self-righteous, hypocrite that I despise so much.

Have I truely strayed from that which is right? But what tells us what is right and what is wrong?

Media has tried to tell us what that is. Rampant sex on tv...next to censorship and abstinance. Booze, drugs, next to tolerance. Hatred with love. It is contradictory, and it spins your world until you cannot truely tell what is what.

Do you believe what you believe because you truely think this way? Or has your mind been influenced by your environment, your family, and your government? In the end, are you truely in control of your life, or do you just blindly think that you are?

How often do we take for granted the free-will which we all suppose we have a right to? Are we influenced and brainwashed into thinking that we truely are free? In the end, are we all stupid, mindless drones?

If you teach someone something from birth, hammer it into their brain, they will believe even the most vague and weak lies as hard truths. This is seen daily in the form of inherited racism and predjudice. True, they are exposed to the opposite, and they are given a chance to choose what they feel is right and wrong.

But something so deep seeded, something that does everything to remove what doubt there was, something that complex(and it is complex) is like a puzzle. Sometimes, such puzzles are impossible to undo, thus is the human mind and will.

Do I have my own will? Do I believe in what is right? Will I go to heaven? Or am I truely the evil being that so many people tell me?

I am kind, and I am cruel. I am weak, and strong. Stubborn, giving. I am stupid. I am intelligent. I am talented. I am worthless. I am everything and nothing. I am my worst enemy.

In the end, only One can tell me....and until then, forever will I be labled.

I am Mary Sue. I am a villain.

pwn3d ;o;

2006-06-03T23:41:15Z

My computer died a few days ago, and it's up and running now. I'm fine, everything's fine, Im' just aggrivated at the situation. XD;

isolanocturnum @ 2006-05-25T15:01:00

2006-05-25T20:15:27Z

So Daniel and I got up nice and early to register for a few summer courses.

Now, at this particular campus, there is a girl who works in the testing department. Daniel has told me about this girl on several occasions. She's apparently kinda goth--

(flashback to several occasions) You should dress more goth. It's sexy.

--and slender--

(flashback to numerous occasions) *pinches side* You should go running more.

--and really 'cute'.

I go into the student center to use the terminals to sign up for my courses, as does he. After we're done, he says, "Hey, let's go say hi to her since we're right here!"

"Yeah, alright." I was very pleasant and open minded, and she sounded nice.

We walk in and she comes bouncing out with a big smile on her face. And she's looking at him.

No, no. Just my wild imagination, she's just friends, don't be a jealous bitch. Just smile.

So I smile and I wave a bit and then she *finally* notices me. Her look goes neutral. "Oh. Hey." And she looks at Daniel like 'who is this?'

"Hey, this is my girlfriend I've told you about."

"Ohhhhhh," she replies to him, turning back and looking at him.

*internal twinge* Don't be a bitch, don't be a bitch. He can have female friends, it's cool

"Nice to meet you.

And she's still looking at him.

We make small talk, and I try to interject into the conversation, but I might've just as well not been there at all. She just talked away to him, looking at him, and checking him out. Flirting.

...and now he's flirting back....

Just my imagination, just my imagination. He wouldn't do that.

"Yeah, when are you going to move out of those slummy apartments?" Daniel asks suddenly, and my ears perk up. "I was scared those fifteen minutes I was there."

...

...he.....went to her apartment.....when...when the hell was he going to tell me that??

Small talk small talk, and all the while I can feel myself getting rather pale. I feel really sick. I mean really sick.

It's nothing, no reason to bring it up. It's nothing. Slipped his mind. It's nothing.

And she just keeps looking at him.

So he says his goodbyes(I couldnt' quite find enough breath to say anything, and once again, I doubt it would have mattered.) and he is really quiet for a few beats as we walk away. As soon as we get outside, he gets all sweet and huggy with me, trying to tease me and tickle me.

I can't smile.

I can't even find the energy to really yell. I just...I can't say anything.

Just my imagination. Really. I shouldn't be jealous. That would be so selfish of me. He can have female friends! It's okay. Even if they're cute...and pretty...and damn near everything he likes...

She was looking at him, though.

You know that look. If you've ever been in a relationship, you know the look I'm talking about. The look someone gives your significant other, and they look like they're about to devour them right then and there, but they have to trick them away from their frumpy guardian.

I swear, I never felt so...ugly. I mean, seriously. I felt really awkward and fat and stupid. I felt like a bumbling fool, and such an idiot, while she made googily eyes at him.

I couldn't even look him in the face because I was fucking scared he was looking back at her.

I haven't talked to him about it. I can't bring myself to. I'm just so depressed all over again, and I feel selfish for being depressed.

I just wish I could be one of those girls, sometimes.

Guilty Pleasures

2006-05-22T21:53:16Z

A few things that I really enjoy.

1) Bare feet - NO, I do not have a foot fetish. Gross. But I love walking around with no shoes or socks on. Specifically, sand(not hot!), soft grass or moss, and mud. I don't know why! I just enjoy it.

2) Laughter Enduced Pain - You know when you're with good company and you joke around and laugh so hard that your stomach starts to hurt? Feels like you cracked a few ribs, and you can't breathe, and no sound is coming out? I enjoy that.

3) Good Texan BBQ Parties - Loud, booze infested, no napkins, bbq sauce on your shirt and jeans, water balloon fights, unrefined, unclassy, blue collar, blue words, red-neck infested parties. When I don't have to mind my Ps and Qs....I like it. (Maybe it's because I can cut loose, or maybe it's because I feel superior?)

4) Intimidation/Frightening - Sick as it sounds, but when someone is truely afraid of me, I get this disgusting sense of satisfaction from it. *shrug*

5) Great Music - It may sound trite, but my definition of 'great music' has several factors involved in it. One is the composition, which is what the song is made of. Another is emotion, which is what sort of feeling I get from listening to the music. And lastly is inspiration, which is what sort of stories or pictures evolve in my mind from listening.

6) Good Conversation - I have had long, thoughtful, deep conversation with people. Sometimes I feel refreshed and wonderful afterwards. Sometimes, I have a weird, strange feeling that is so foreign, I don't know what it is. But it doesn't mean I don't like it. I'm just not familiar with it.

7) Gardening - There's something refreshing about planting flowers and shrubs. I get dirty as all hell and have to scrub my skin off in the shower, but it's so much fun. I get to make something nice and pretty and hey! it's good for the environment, too. Not that I really care about that part. Heh. But making things grow...it's nice. (Can't do roses, though. They're too tempermental.)

8) I'm not sure what to classify this, so I'm just going to write it. Extremely hot days. I mean, so hot, you feel like your skin is melting off. And then, all of the sudden, the temperature drops, and a storm comes in out of nowhere and pours down. I'll sit on the porch and just watch the rain and lightning, listen to the thunder and the rain. There's a smell from it...it smells like rain and cement and grass.

9) Thunderstorms. Big, loud thunderstorms. At night!

10) Hot tea and toast when I'm sick.

11) Cold sheets, no matter what time of year. I hate hot beds, but slipping into cold, cotton sheets is so pleasant. I like being cold because I can always put on more clothes or blankets. In the heat, you can only take off so much...

This is probably going to be added to from time to time when I think of more. Always and perpetually to be continued...muahaha.

Once a good place...

2006-05-10T04:34:27Z

My neighborhood is slowly turning into the slums.

There has been this one bum(NOTE: BUM. Not homeless man. I have no pity for scum of his sort, and you will see why if you keep reading.) has been going around in the neighborhood and robbing people. He breaks into their houses when they are gone, steals stuff, then sells it for crack. (Note: Yes. I'm not making that up. He's a crackhead.)

He also robbed a few families while they were still THERE, and held them up with a tazer. That's scary crap.

But what really got me was what he did to my friend, and I applaude her skinny white ass for what she did.

He robbed her. He sold alot of her stuff, and she knew it was him because some people were robbed by him too. Police? Nope. Won't arrest him. Why? Too much effort. Stupid freaking pigs.

Anydangway! She got the cops called on him and they wouldn't arrest him, but he saw who she was. The other day, she was on her front porch with a friend. They were smoking cigarettes and just talking, minding their own business, when the guy busts in out of nowhere and smacks her down to the ground.

Hearing that made me so angry I could...I don't even want to think about what I would have done if I was there.

HOWEVER! The girl...well, she's a twig. She's tall and skinny, and beautiful, but doesn't look like much. Man, looks are decieving. Being knocked to the ground surprised her, true. But as she got back up she grabbed the nearest object. Which happened to be a 2x4 piece of wood.

She stood a split second after being knocked down and proceded to beat the crap out of him with the 2x4. Before you start up on that crap about "Violence begets violence", lemme tell you something. Shut up. If someone has the intent to harm another, I do not think that talking to them and basically bending over and TAKING IT is very effective. In an ideal society, we could overcome violence through words. But in an ideal society we also wouldn't have a reason TO fight.

People are dumb if they think that words, or just ignorance, will make something go away. No. You have to go out and DO something about it otherwise it's going to tell the offenders "Hey, we aren't gonna do jack shit. Keep doing the evil that you're wanting to do! It's all about feeling good..."

If anyone breaks into my house, they are trespassing. If they deem necessary to trespass, then they will do what they feel they need to to steal what they can. That includes hurting me and my own. If someone gets into my house, I'm going to shoot to kill without a warning. The locked door was the warning.

I have no pity and no mercy for any human who does evil. People can be saved, but they have to want to be saved. If you harm me and my own, you will be beyond saving.

That is all.

Feelin' Useless

2006-05-01T05:48:18Z

I've been looking forward to writing more on an RP board for many months now. And now that I've got that back...I just...bleh. Feel useless.

I mean, I've been busy as all getout with my sister's wedding(which was lovely) and work and dithering what I really want to major in at school...

It's one of those things that I've just gotten moody about. I want to write, I want to write so much I could explode. And I wanted to be a big part of something. Something to share and to shape and, yes, be semi in charge of enough so that I can help make people really *think*.

And I feel friggin useless.

Like...ionno. I'm not needed.

I really wish I wasn't so stupid and 'emo' and all that crap, but all the junk that has been going on is really taking a toll on me.

The moodiness could be backlash from the nice little 'episode' I had a few days ago, which nobody really knew about. Or the fact that I'm dead tired and can't sleep at night because I'm getting my insomnia back.

You know what? I'm going to cut the bitching and lay it all out.

I can't change my schedule. But I don't want to be left out in the rain once again. I should just really get used to the fact that people are mortal and forget about certain kinds of people, and I just happen to be one of those kinds of people that are easy to forget about.

I think I *am* okay with that, really. I don't mind being left to my own devices, but....oh bother it all. Sometimes, it's nice to be wanted.

I heart this.

2006-04-24T05:53:46Z

This comic is absolute gold. Enjoy.

http://www.leasticoulddo.com/index2.php?date=20060422

Teh Faire

2006-04-22T01:52:28Z

(See? I'm writing it! I'm not that lazy!!)

Woke up at 6 o'clock in the morning because I just was too excited about going!

Well, that and I still hadn't totally completely finished making my costume. Eh heh!! Ehhh....

D and his sleepy-head friend both were up and ready.......but by nine freaking thirty. (I mean, seriously. If you're woken up an hour prior, and you know someone is waiting for you, please don't drag your heels! That's just dumb!)

Needless to say, tempers were running QUITE short at that point, and so the boys took a different car than the ladies. THANK GOD.

We'll fast-forward through the bickering drama and the traded cell calls between cars that made things EVER so much more pleasant...to the Faire!

We parked in the boondocks, the boonies, the whatever. There were these muscle-head clad-in-kilt gentlemen sitting in front of these two-wheel cart things and were offering rides to the faire-goers. "Holy crap, in THIS heat?? You boys are pretty hardcore!"

That, naturally, encited some lovely flirty lines. Tee hee!

Passed by a dude dressed in a leather thong. No. I'm not joking. As I walked by, I said in my best Arnold voice, "Look at my biceps!!" Nobody understood the reference. ;_;

The bellydancers! Absolutely beautiful dancing, and even more gorgeous clothes. I was totally jealous! And then they asked me and my friend to come up and dance on stage. "Well, the answer isn't 'no'," I told them. "It's hell no!" I know when I should be a party-pooper!

Note: 'Mead' will get me drunk by noon. Very drunk.

I spent the next half-hour giggling and stumbling around, every five seconds running to a booth with my friend as we shouted "Shinies!!" and gawking at the lovely, hand-made crafts. There was jewelry, clothing, flutes and panpipes, swords and axes, incense, perfumes, everything to see!

I just WISH I had the mind to bring more MONEY with me. >_>

There was a leather shop that was quite expensive, but everything was 100% cowhide, and 100% hand-made. They had a corset and skirt combo of black and dark purple that I simply fell in love with. I would have bought it too if I knew I could survive without either of my kidneys and one lung. Maybe a bit of my liver, too.

There was a procession of the "royal court" that was lovely to see. About twenty scotsmen, clad in kilt, lined up on the sides with their pikes held high in salute to their monarch. As the procession ended, they pulled back their pikes and took a step towards eachother, ready to turn on heel and be on their way.

As they took that step forward, still facing eachother, my drunken love in a VERY loud voice said, "And now to perform the Virginia Reel!"

Note 2: Mead burns when it is shot out of your nose.

Meat on a stick and a peach flavored slushy rum thing...life couldn't have gotten much better.

Until I watched a muscley kilted man walk by and wink.

Oooh life got better. Rawr~

The morale to this deluded tale is that mead solves all problems and faires are the best thing since sliced bread. And mead.

Burned

2006-04-16T17:37:06Z

Literally and physically! XD

But man oh man...what a fun day...

Yesterday, a lil' group of us went to Scarborough Faire and had oodles of fun times. I made my own costume, which let me tell you...it's pretty impressive considering I made this thing without a pattern and TWO DAYS before we left. (DAMN MY PROCRASTINATION!! Rrrrr....)

I got sunburned. (Aieeee!)

I am tired.

And I have to go to work here in a few minutes, so I shall recall this tale later.

Work work work! Lots of work. But this lil fun outting is done and over with, soon it will be my sisters' wedding, and soon I'll have sweet sweet relief of having all these mandatory THINGS to do.

Work aside. ><

Here's hoping for a bit of rest... *raises glass*

Clarifaction and Copouts! Take your pick. ;o

2006-04-07T00:46:40Z

I shall tell you a bit about my upbringing and goings on about my childhood, and the effects they had on how I react to certain situations, etc. Maybe it will clarify, maybe you'll say "Kane! That's just an excuse! You obviously know better, why do you do it?"

Eh...meh!

First of all, my mother. My mother is pretty much...well, can't put it nicely. She's nuttier than a pecan log. She's paranoid, and cynical, but above all, she's super dee duper religious to the point of stupidity.

I'm not knocking religion, believe you me. I'm a religious person, I simply keep those thoughts and feelings to myself unless I feel I can talk maturely and comfortably with someone about it. I've been burned before, and I care not to repeat that situation again.

Aaaaanyway...

I am the youngest of four. Most families have it where the youngest is the most spoiled, but unfortunately that wasn't the case with me. My clothes were all hand-me-downs, because let's face it. We were dirt poor. We still are, but not as many people live in the house, so things are better than they were.

My parents used mental tactics to keep me from wanting toys and stuff. They said that wanting fun things like that was selfish. Whenever I pointed out that my older siblings still got toys, they'd smack me or spank me for questioning them.

(Note: This isn't supposed to be a sob-story, nor is it going to be embellished. This is real childhood, in all of its 'glory'.)

I would play pretend by myself in the backyard, pretending to be someplace else, meeting new people, and things like that. I knew it was just pretend. Mum one day caught me in the backyard talking to myself, and freaked. She told me that using my imagination was a sin and that I should stop.

I came home from school one day and had a toy. She asked where I got it, and I said another kid at school said I could have it. She told me that I should give it back because I shouldn't accept gifts from someone I didn't know. Said something about owing a debt or something. Ionno. I just gave the toy back.

Mum would take me to get ice cream or something as a 'treat' sometimes. I put that in quotes because, let's face it: it always had strings attatched. If she told me I should go do something-or-ether for her, and I said I didn't really want to, she would remind me that she just took me for a treat, or bought me something. Basically, using guilt to get me to do things.

Fastforward.

I. Hate. Getting gifts.

I mean, sure, I like it. But dayum, do I feel guilty for it. I always feel like I just didn't deserve it, or that the person who gave will try to pull in a favor that I simply couldn't do. Or, worse, that the person really doesn't want to give it to me, but just wants to seem nice.

Now, I don't want people to do something that they really do not want to do. I'm always afraid that my friends really don't actually like me, but they are taking pity on me. Help out their 'good deeds' or something like that. Why?

Mum told me that my friends didn't actually like me. Yeah, back when I was a kid.

Oh! And that I would be pretty IF I did such and such.

Fact: My mother once suggested I get plastic surgery to 'fix' my appearance.

It wasn't just my mother, mind you.

My older sister(next to youngest) mentally and physically abused me. I've grown up, and we are cool with eachother, but needless to say...I'm pretty messed up because of it. She used to order me around like a personal maid(I use that term becaues that's the term SHE used). I did everything to appease her because whenever I wouldn't, she'd beat me up. Once, she almost strangled me, if my brother hadn't intervened.

I was locked in a hall closet for ten, count em, TEN hours. In the dark. I got over my fear of the dark when I was around 15, but I still get clausterphobic. I still have nightmares of being locked in a fridge or a box or something and suffocating to death.

My dad is an ex-marine, and I am proud of him. He's calmed down a whole lot since he discovered good German beer and cigars.

My dad would accuse me of something, and then when I denied it(I won't say I NEVER lied, but 95% of the time, I was quite truthful) he would beat me. Some people would say 'spank', but when you hit a kid with a leather belt with all your strength until the kid passes out because they're crying so hard that they're hyperventilating...well, you get the idea. Bruises, welts, blah blah blah. They went along nicely with the scratches and ligitory marks my sister would leave ten minutes prior.

Growing up that way certainly gave me a cynical outlook on people. I know there are genuinely nice and good people out there. I am friends with them, in fact. They're so rare a gem, I like to bask in their company as much as I can, but I digress.

Because I don't get much out of life, whether it's my own stupidity, or my own fear, or a higher being punishing me for some reason(again...religion. often I fear God because my mother would always tell me how bad I was and how much He didn't like me, and all the pain was what I deserved.), I like to help my loved ones as much as I can.

You threaten my friends and, yes, even my family, you will certainly get a Look. This Look is the first warning to back off or dire consequences will most certainly follow.

EVEN IF SUCH A LOVED ONE THINKS THAT THEY DESERVE AN ASS KICKING, HE WOULDNT GET IT IF I WAS AROUND. *glare at your direction, you know who you are XD* Sorry, sweets, but I'd get my Southern stomp on because NOBODY messes with my friends.

Well, enough of the bitch fest.

This is my childhood, this is my screw up. I was the accident that wasn't a boy, which disappointed everyone, but I suppose I shall have to do. This is the world, this is my mind, this is the fuck up I have become.

Love Thy Neighbor.

Little bit brighter

2006-04-05T03:34:22Z

Daniel just got done switching the seatbelt from the passenger side over to the driver's side. Atleast that's taken care of for the time being. I'll eventually need to replace the passenger side, but it's not as important.

I talked to him today about the crap that happened, about the crap that I remembered. He's really upset, but he's been holding me as much as he can. It's rather nice.

He's more than upset. I know he's stark raving insanely angry, but not at me. It's a bit unnerving to see him angry, and I'm sure a situation to lose control of your bowels if you're on the receiving end of it. I'm happy that I'm never on that side of the anger, nor will I ever be. His momma raised him right to not hit women, and he'd take a bullet for me. Thank God it's never come to that though.

isolanocturnum @ 2006-04-04T17:32:00

2006-04-04T22:37:28Z

Seatbelt from autoparts store - $130
Car Inspection - $55
Weekly expense of gasoline to comute to work - $30
Windshield wipers - $30
Insurance for six months - $250
Amounth of money saved up to take a vacation trip with Daniel this summer - $250
Amount of money donated from friends and family to help out - $0
Total Cost of Expenses to get car fix - $555

I have to spend my savings, so I cannot go on vacation this summer.

When my tax return gets in, I cannot get a new pair of glasses like I had been so desperately needing.

And yet, through it all, I cannot help but muse to myself that someone(or something) is out there watching me. Putting things into motion. Making things happen in my life.

All throughout they are just laughing hysterically.

Bad Things

2006-04-04T05:21:18Z

The day had started with me waking up.

That, my dears, was mishap number one apparently.

It got worse from there. I went into the kitchen to have myself a bowl of cereal, and as I poured some Raisin Bran into a bowl, mum tells me that we're out of milk.

"*wince*...I'll go get some."

I got into my car and started my car. After three turnovers.

Ooooookaay...that's okay. It happens. Pull my seatbelt across my chest and go to buckle it. It flew back into place, smacking me in the face on the way. I choked back a curse as my lip started bleeding and tried again.

And again.

Yeah. Broken. "#@%*."

I lifted up the middle console and slammed it down onto the seatbelt to keep it across my chest so that it atleast appears that I'm wearing it and I don't get pulled over.

Walking out of the store with my milk, it starts to pour rain down on me. My eye started to twitch. Through my blurry vision I notice that the Inspection Sticker on my car had expired the previous day. "#@*&!!"

Climb into the car, exhale slowly, turn on the wipers.

To watch them sit there.

And not move.

My eyes went upward in a heavenward stare of pleading nature.

Eventually I made it home.

The next three days I worked, bumming a ride because I was much too afraid to drive and get pulled over. I can't afford to get a ticket. Hell, I can barely afford to get all this crap FIXED.

I remember that the perscription to my glasses are too weak and I need to get a new pair. Yes, I remember this as I smack myself in the face with the freezer door. Crappy depth perception and all.

Yelled at three times by three different managers about random crap. Oh yes, it's ever so much fun to be someone's emotional pillow.

I am a convenience when someone needs to unload. The second that they're done, it's splitsville and I just kinda...cease to exist. Great.

Go over to my honey's house.

To be screamed at because of his crappy ass day that apparently was my fault. (Note: He later appologized. Sort of.)

My first day off in five days!

Woken up this morning at 8am, congested, and mum telling me that I have to drive her to the auto mechanic so she can get her car fixed.

Home again in thirty minutes, and I can not get back to sleep. So I logged onto my computer and decide to play my geekarific RPG game online. We have a cool program that allows us to talk to eachother on headset and stuff.

To have some jerk say something crass about 'teabagging'.

And that's when it happened.

I suddenly start shaking and remember years back about 'teabagging'. Fifteen years old and fearing for my life as some guy over 25 attempts to rape me.

Nervous breakdown.

Dear God, I haven't had one of those in so many years, I thought that it was all in the past. I thought I was fixed and it wasn't going to happen again.

Nope, not me. Not me.

No matter how strong I try to be, how far I progress in life, however hard I just TRY to keep living in a way that I'm not weak and ashamed, I always end up right back where I started.

I can't talk to anyone about this, it just doesn't work that way for me. Writing here sort of works. I don't see your faces, I don't know if you even read it. I don't even care.

This isn't a cry for attention, or help, or what the heck ever. It is just something like "Hmm, here's an interesting fact."

isolanocturnum @ 2006-03-30T23:31:00

2006-03-31T05:30:43Z

Thanks for the words of support in my current *ahem* situation. It really is a comfort to know that people understand and care.

In other news...

*looks left*

*looks right*

*does I-Got-Booty dance*

*exit*

Know Thyself

2006-03-29T04:35:48Z

So, these past few weeks have been pretty good. I'm in good spirits, I can laugh out loud, still keep on apluggin away at work no matter how it annoys me. Or however mind numbing it can be!

However, for the past...oh...month, I've been having certain ""ISSUES"" with my body that I can't come to grips to. It is embaressing, and I don't normally talk this deeply about my personal life, so here goes. (*eyeing delete entry button warily*)

I haven't had sex for almost a month.

There. I said it.

It's true. For some reason, I can't seem to get into the mood. Even when I'm by myself...I can't get into the mood. It's like "Eh...meh." and roll over and go to bed.

I haven't the slightest clue as to why, though. My poor man has been ancy as all getout, and I want to help him out, but I can't. It isn't like "Oh woe is me!" at all. It is just the fact that I can't bring myself to give him something so half-assed and boring. If I'm not into it, he doesn't enjoy it, and I don't either. It's a lose-lose situation that I'm actually really scared about.

I want to be able to play around with him because I'm scared he's loosing intrest in me since I can't...perform. Wow, that sounded cynical.

I would hate to think that I've reached my sexual peak at the ripe ol' age of 22. I'm not very in tuned with my body or myself. I spend the majority of my time trying to help other people, or just watching other people. Studying them, and what have you. (Creepy?)

I find myself boring since it is myself, and I'm with myself every second of every day.

Maybe that's what's wrong. I'm finding myself boring, so it turns me off to doing things because I don't want to seem so blah. I dunno. Right now I'm at my wits end because --

Eh. Does me no good to complain about it. Hopefully it's just the stress factor in my life and it'll blow over in the end. Because if not...as bad as this sounds...I don't know if he would want to stay with me if I can't do anything.

How irritating.

Friggin Memes...

2006-03-27T23:18:30Z

Yeah, Way to go. You got me started on them. >_>

What type of Fae are you?

There. I did it. Woopity do.

Sassy Pants

2006-03-25T23:48:11Z

This journal entry has absolutely nothing to do with pants. In fact, take them off! Run around in your underoos! Four out of five doctors recommend it!*

*Not approved by the FDA.

Anydangway, I figured I've done a bunch of moaning and groaning, why don't I do something random.

Lately, I've felt the urge to write something absolutely grotesque and creepy. Chilling! The sort of thing that if your high school councelor read it, they'd call it in and lock you up until you're thirty. Hey, if Britney Spears can get away with prancing on stage half-naked, and getting a boob job at the ripe ol' age of 16, then I can write something that would make people vomit or faint.

Or become engrossed by it. (No pun intended! Hurrr!)

In other news, I was dubbed "Sassy Pants" today while at work. Today, it was swamped. I mean, totally. I nearly went insane(r) several times, but instead of curling up into a fetal position and crying(which I would have rather done, thanks) I started joking around and laughing at the most stupid things.

Needless to say, when I got off of work, I was in a mood. I went into the cafe line to get my mum something to be...you know. That 'nice' concept. Anyway. This guy I work with was in line behind me, and we were just BSing with eachother, and passing the time while we waited. When my turn was up, I was fiddling with my wallet as he paid. He paid in a giftcard, but still owed 75 cents.

"Crap, I don't have any cash...here, put it on my card."

I know the pain of having to put seventy-five FREAKING cents on plastic because you ran out of cash. So I shoved his hand away and handed her a dollar. "Dude, here. No worries, man."

The way I see it, I may hate people, but the people I like, I want them to be happy. He's a cool dude, and fun to work with.

He was...touched. Like really really touched. Mushy touched. I was afraid he was going to do something obscene and hug me or something. *shudder* So as I got my quarter back, I decided to lighten the mood. "Here man, take this."

"Oh, no no no, that's yours!"

So I shoved it into his hand and said, "Here man, keep it. Use it to call someone who cares."

*snicker snort*

He, luckily, has a wonderful sense of humor, and can dish it out as much as take it. He laughed hysterically as I pranced (yes, you read correctly. PRANCED.) out of there and into my car.

Good times.

P.S. There's no 'sassy' emote?! Blasphemy!!!*makes one*

Relapses and Minor Setbacks

2006-03-15T05:31:53Z

Blargh. Pain in the brain.

I've gotten more ideas to write, and more ways to begin writing, but when I sit down, I just can't seem to find the oomph to actually write.

I've been 'sick' with major allergy problems (Ahh, Texas in the spring.) and because of that, I have to take more meds. It takes away my allergies, sure enough, but it also drops my blood pressure. I get really cold easily, and just lack energy altogether.

I haven't been feeling well enough to go hang out with Daniel and his friends, even though I would really like to. Because of that, I've been feeling more blue. I'm not as depressed as I used to be, but it's starting to feel that way.

It isn't as if I'm trying to do this on purpose, so I continuously talk to Daniel about it. He knows it's because I'm feeling sick due to my allergies/meds, but I can't help but feel that he thinks I'm turning back to what I was. It's another thought that just totally makes me feel like crap, and regresses me back to the "Oh, woe is me!" bullhonky. (Yes. Bullhonky. Deal.)

People say that 'allergy season' only lasts about two weeks for most people, but unfortunately, I've been one of those rare cases that lasts the entire season. Not only am I allergic to dust and pollen, but also ragweed, so it's twice a year I get all funky in the head. What a pain.

I should really see a doctor about this and get shots or whatever so I don't feel all funky all year. But that costs money, and that's something I just don't have the luxery for.

Oh well. I'll end this complain-a-thon on a high note. *sings in the key of A*

Mentally Speaking

2006-03-11T06:42:31Z

Man, oh man. I've been working on a story. Remember those entries about a young woman who was a vampire? Yeah. It blossomed into a full out story. The more I thought about it, the more I wrote in my head, and the more I mentally wrote, the more I realized that this wasn't a short story. No, this is turning into an all-out novel, and I couldn't be more happy.

I started writing it. I was so psyched. A few times I got busy with life and work and got too tired to write, but I still played out scenes and scenarios in my head. Time passed, I discovered beautiful music that is so inspirational, so awesome...

I've even started compiling songs together to make a 'sound track' to my story. (Yes, Nolan, you'll get a copy. Hehe.) I've been playing songs on my MiniDiscman while driving, or as I'm trying to go to sleep...so cool.

So I sit down to continue writing in my story....

...brick wall.

Utter total blank.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This totally sucks. I've got ten billion and one things I want to write, and I'm drawing up a total blank as to how to write it. This aggrivates me to no end.

It's back to sitting idly, staring at a blank screen, or re-reading what I have already written once again. (There's only SO many times you can edit what you know almost by heart.)

Sometimes, I wonder if my brain works agains me. I humor myself in my bummed out mood by thinking of each side of my brain on opposite sides of a war field.

"SCREW YOU logical thinking! I'm going to be CREATIVE."

"You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. *builds brick wall around Creative Brain*"

"....well, sh*t."

Meh heh heh...booo.

ahem

2006-03-08T03:47:27Z

A bit of an announcement.

If you have a significant other, please consider the following to help decide your actions before they happen.

It is not amusing or cute to sit on your loved-ones' lap and then fart.

Thank you for your time.

P.S. I've been currently writing something, which is the reason I haven't been writing in my LJ that often. Please be patient, all..oh...three of you. *smile*

Weeeeeeird.

2006-03-05T18:54:46Z

The first thing I remembered was little electronic gadgets, moving on their own. It really creeped me out and sent off warnings in my head. They started moving towards eachother, connecting to one another. I started to back away because something wasn't right. I had seen this happen before.

Well..okay. You know how in dreams, sometimes you have 'memories' of things that had happened, but in reality nothing like that had happened? It was like that. I 'remembered' that I had seen it happen before, that they were connecting to form something really dangerous. I had destroyed something like them before, but this was beyond me. It was advanced, more intelligent, more unpredictable.

There was more of them than before, and they were going to hunt for me. So I did what I had to. I ran.

I ran down my street, full tilt, and thankfully I was actually running. (I simply hate how in dreams when you need to run, sometimes your legs just won't work. Like when you need to scream, but have no voice.) I stumbled, fell a few times, but got back up and kept running.

I heard a *click* of the last piece sliding into place, even however far I was away, and then the screaming sounds of a tiny jet engine as the Whatever came after me. I knew the name, though now that I'm awake, it makes no sense. It was a "T". (Terminator reference? Looked nothing like em...)

Everything got kinda fuzzy and jumbled. I remember hiding, be able to get away. The "T", which oddly enough was shapped like one(kinda), was lumpy and grey, blue, and orange. It flew, had electronic arms to grab, and could shoot some sort of weird weapon. Sounds silly and cute, but I was dead afraid of it. I mean...it was these cute things that started destroying human civilization.

I got away, obviously. I got home and told my mom and dad to grab whatever unperishable food they could in five minutes, throw it into the car, and go. I think they did what I said, for the most part, because we were in a car, driving in New Mexico. I had no idea why I was telling them to get to the coast. When we got to the coast, we got into a big sailboat with other people and just started sailing.

Three months on the water, I remember that. Three months. I'm glad my dream skipped that part because I wouldn't have been able to handle it. We were all red-eyed, half-starved, and silent. It was lonely there. I looked out onto the water, into the horizon, then screeched out "There's an ISLAND! With PEOPLE!"

We sailed towards it and landed, and sure enough, there were people. They welcomed us, and helped the sick and injured, fed us, bathed and clothed us. They were from everywhere. Some spoke languages I didn't understand, but for some reason...I could. I'd speak back, and they'd understand me, too. I wanted to cry, but I had felt like I had gone through so much, I wasn't capable of crying anymore.

I looked up and saw someone I knew. As I walked over, an electronic arm grabbed my ankle and yanked me down. As I turned and saw the T, I woke up.

Man. Sometimes you don't want to wake up, because you hardly ever get to sleep in. Or maybe because the dream you're having is so beautiful and wonderful, it'd seem a shame to end it early. Nah. I was happy to be awake.

Even though I feel like I did so much in that dream, I'm twice as tired as I was when I went to bed last night.

isolanocturnum @ 2006-03-02T14:55:00

2006-03-02T21:05:04Z

It was roughly nine in the morning, and Alice should have been in bed by then. Her new lifestyle urged her to remain sleeping during the deadly daylight hours, but she just couldn't help herself.

She sat on her balcony in mismatched, plastic porch furniture watching the downpour that had started shortly before dawn. The sky was completely engulfed by dark grey clouds, covering the sun, and protecting her from certain doom.

A small, lazy smile was drawn across her pale face. She hadn't enjoyed such quiet time in a while. Normally, she preferred company in her new vampiric form. She hated the lonliness of her thoughts, reflecting on what she now had, and what she no longer could do before when she was human.

But now, it wasn't so bad. She let her mind float along aimlessly, listening to music drift from her open window out into the outside world. She heard snippets of words, about rain, and staying at home to sleep in, and just letting the world pass by.

It had occured to her that any moment the sun might peek out from behind a cloud, and the danger of being outside during the daylight hours. "Daylight is for humans and weaklings," she could almost hear Validus say, with his sneering face full of pride. "But the night...the night is Ours."

Alice stretched her arms and folded her hands behind her dark head. Weak? Hmm. He had no idea what he was missing. "Can't you see that it's just rainin'?" she sang along with the quiet music. "Ain't no need to go outside..."

isolanocturnum @ 2006-02-28T16:04:00

2006-02-28T22:10:42Z

Can you ask me
to darken your door
then get so offended
when I come around

Narrow eyed stare
my own at the floor
I almost hear laughter
an odd, eerie sound

Can you really
look into my eyes
and ask me that
loaded gun question

Smiling and slyly
worded your answers
drove deep in my chest
painful sensation

You can't get angry
and what I don't know
You can't expect me
to feel something more

Ask me no questions
Tell you no lies.

Ask me no questions.

Another Alice poem thingummie. Poems aren't my strongsuit. Oh well. Enjoy.